I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
