A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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