yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I see more hoeing in ur future
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
