I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
