I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
