Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
