My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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