There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
