i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
