Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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