omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
