i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
