I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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