Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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