I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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