I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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