I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
