Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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