Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
