Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
