woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize