I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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