I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
