so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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