I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
