Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
