I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize