Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
