At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sober January is a disaster.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You took a bar mat shot.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
