dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
