he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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