I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
