Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sober January is a disaster.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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