I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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