I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
