Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
