My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
