I cannot find my penis.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
