Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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