So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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