I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sext me about skeletons
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
