If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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