I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
