Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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