apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
