My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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