I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
