My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
