Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
