how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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