I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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