I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
