He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
