Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
