You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
