Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
